I Remember Moments, Not Days
by Jay's World
Summary: Looking back, we never remember full days, but the moments that made them special. These are the moments that changed her life. Ficlet.
1. First encounter

**I remember moments, not days****  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_First encounter_

**-.-**

He knows my name. I don't know his.

I pick up my pen and pad, and jot down his orders.

He smiles, but it's worn and tired. Bags under his eyes.

A bag beside him. Plastic. White. Yet I can't see its contents.

I wave down the chef at the counter and give him the order. He grunts. _He_ never smiles.

Grease and fat swirls on the plate as I place it in front of him.

This time he doesn't look up.

I feel profoundly disappointed.

* * *

><p>bornonhalloween's <em>Once Upon a Desire <em>is so good, I've reviewed every chapter 'till her latest update. She replied, saying I could be "a fantastic drabble-writer". I thought I'd try it out. So here you go...let's see if I prove her wrong or right.


	2. The second time I see him

**I remember moments, not days****  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_The second time I see him_

**-.-**

My feet hurt like a mother, but I keep those fine choice words of vocabulary under my breath.

One kid kicks my shin. There's a bruise forming under my beige stockings.

An elderly man mistakes bread for ass and earns a rightful smack across the cheek.

I almost lose my job right on the floor.

Mascara is smudged under my eyes as I sit outside in the alley.

I don't even know why he's there when I look up.

He hands me a paper tissue and offers nothing else.

When he leaves, I feel better, but his retreating form only dampens my mood further.


	3. When his tears make me weak

**I remember moments, not days****  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_When his tears make me weak_

**-.-**

It's late, way past closing time, but I can't bring myself to leave the counter. Louie went home an hour ago, fed up with my nervousness. "It's your time," he'd said and stomped off.

My hands shake as I fiddle with the towel.

He's accidentally made his cup of coffee spill down table to the floor.

It's the only thing he ever orders anymore. One cup. No sugar. No cream. Nothing else.

I approach him warily and keep my head down as I crouch and begin wiping the floor.

He stutters. He mumbles sorry excuses of apologies.

"It's okay," I murmur, head down. But I have to rise, and when I do, he's looking straight at me.

I gasp.

Green eyes are swimming. Like the water back home coming down the western mountains. Sweet cherries and strawberries enjoyed from a bench five feet from it. Too cold to swim, but hot enough to enjoy.

"Are-are you okay?"

He doesn't say a word, but clenches shut his eyes and shakes his head. Abruptly, he stands, making the cup spill again, and he looks from it to me.

"It's okay," I repeat in a small voice, and the room turns chill as he leaves, the door closing slowly.

Looking down at the brown spilled mess, my head feels heavy and worn.

I don't even know why I cry.


	4. When he says his name

**I remember moments, not days****  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_When he says his name_

**-.-**

It's just after rush hour when the door bell gives out its customary ring, making me look up.

I halt. It's him. Droplets fall from the tips of his copper hair, down to a wrinkly light blue shirt. I reckon, a few days ago, it was perfectly ironed. Now it makes him look sloppy. Imperfect.

He looks so weak.

Black coffee. I give him the strangest look when he orders a chocolate muffin too.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"About the other day…I'm sorry. I'm going through some bad stuff lately." He hesitates. "My name's Edward."

I shake his hand, smiling lightly at the corner of my lips. My smile has always been lopsided.

His eyes zero in on my right cheek. "Cute dimple."

I blush, and scurry off to the counter to get his order.

"Thank you, Isabel."

"No mention it…_Edward_."

* * *

><p>I want you all to do something. If you've heard about the situation in Joplin, USA then you know how dire help is needed. You can all make a difference. The FFA group on facebook have started an auction where you can contribute with art, crafts, banners, stories, etc - and bid for the pieces. It's called "Junkin' for Joplin", and I urge you all to check it out and contribute in some way!<p>

https : / / www (dot) facebook (dot) com/?ref=home#!sk=group_213588222009155

Please, go help make a difference; every penny counts! :-)


	5. When he's not around

**I remember moments, not days****  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_When he's not around_

**-.-**

"Why the frown?"

"Hm? Nothing. Just tired."

"Mhm."

My coworkers only care enough to ask the initial question, and I don't care enough to elaborate. Neither do they want me to. Although we run through each other's lives, we have no part in them.

But someone does.

It's been two months, and today a sinking feeling that something has happened to him makes me slow down.

I walk around carefully, on autopilot, going through motions I know in my sleep.

Watching the door obsessively, I knock over two chairs and bump into a customer. I get a warning from the manager.

In the alley, I pick up a bad habit and twirl the long cigarette between my fingers.

My mother's were yellow stained. I remember. Back in the old country I started early and quit as a pro before I even finished school. It was my siblings' ploy when I caught them. Once I had inhaled I was a fellow culprit.

On my way home I trace down the gray cobble stones and try to jump over the cracks.

I miss every time.

* * *

><p>Your reviews are amazing, making me swoon and blush and smile.<p>

xx Jay


	6. Time without him

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_Time without him_

**-.-**

I end up in two strangers' beds and one friend's.

The last one is the only one while sober. He is homesick and wants comfort. It comes in the form of my spread legs and soft moans. When he comes, he kisses my damp cheeks and asks carefully if it was good for me to.

I kiss him back and lie.

He doesn't doubt me for a second.

His tongue and words make me warm, filling me with familiarity. I miss home too. Neither of us have the opportunity to leave.

We are socialists trapped in a capitalistic world.

I ask him how school is, missing the smell of books and the sound of pens to paper; scribbling down the professors' words. Johan replies with elaborate stories of projects, essays, students, and performances.

I envy him.

I miss it.

Everywhere I go, I am alone.

He leaves, and I go to work. Even there, crowded by people, I am the loneliest person alive.


	7. I ask him questions and he answers

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_I ask him a question and he answers_

**-.-**

Five minutes until closing time and Louie rushes out the door, still in his cheffies. His daughter just went into labor and I call after him with my well wishes. He ignores them. He probably takes them for insults; his daughter is just fifteen.

I start cleaning down the counter when the bell rings. At first I want to quip out that I won't bother serving them, but then the air changes.

The chair scrapes against the floor.

He sits down. Eyes on me. Eyes on him.

He looks so much better.

Same blue shirt, but no creases.

No bags under his eyes.

No white plastic bag in his hand.

There's no hello. "Where were you? I thought something had happened."

It's impolite. It's also not like me at all. But it's anger laced with worry. He looks guilty.

"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't think…" _about me_. That's what he wants to say, but he stops himself. The rejection in his statement makes me want to slap him and cry at the same time.

Awkward silence becomes my right hand man.

His left.

"Where are you from? Your accent…"

I look at him, curious. Why does he want to know me now? Obviously I'm no one but the girl who pours him coffee.

"Norway." Then, for the first time in months, I feel the need to elaborate. "I came here two years ago on a special dancing scholarship."

He smiles and nods, cracking his knuckles nervously. "Ballet?"

"How did you know?"

"You're graceful when you move."

* * *

><p>Alright, <em>no more updates until you all get me up to 100 reviews. So pimp this shit out! <em>

Bwahaha, I'm joking, I'll probably be updating twice more today, so no worries...I think I'm self pimping this thing all to much for normal.

Your reviews are devine, making me come up with some sweet special suprises for later...say, in about 10 chapters or so ;-)

xx Jay


	8. Our minutes tarnished

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_Our minutes tarnished_

**-.-**

The next day he stays for just enough time to order his cup of black and leave. We only nod as a greeting.

One the second day he smiles and says my name like a blessing. He looks tired, but when he smiles at me, all the worry washes away. It makes my stomach flutter with happiness. I feel warm.

The third day is rushed. He doesn't even sit down; not by the counter nor a table. He smiles briefly and look frantic at our selection. He pays for a chocolate muffin with a twenty. He's out the door by the time the green bill lands in my hand.

Day four he comes in during rush hour. All I have time for is to take his order and a swift apology explaining that I'm busy. He takes it with a smile and a gentle nod. The rest of the hour I feel his eyes on me, and I walk a little straighter.

I have the morning off and stretch my leg on the old bar. Dancing in a lonely room with no music, I hear the beats and the tunes in my head. I flow and leap and make lines, filling the room.

When I stop, sweaty and sore, I smile at my bleeding feet. It's been so long, and yet I didn't miss a step.

I glow when I see him again.

"What can I get for you today, Edward?"

"Why aren't we happy today?" he smiles back at me. "I'll take-"

We're interrupted. Someone pushes me and I look up to see Johan. Flaming red. He tells me off, calling me a slut and a whore. I snap back at him that I'm at work and he should go home. He leaves with a final warning: everyone will know what a whore I am.

"What was that all about?" Edward asks curious, brows furrowed. Though he hasn't understood a word, the universal language of hissing voices is our tell-tale sign.

"Nothing," I smile weakly.

I don't talk to him a lot after that. The next month is silent, and a bad feeling churns inside me.


	9. He sees me cry a second time

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_He sees me cry a second time_

**-.-**

I have friends. Had. Even after I got kicked out, I still had them. But with Johan's blatant accusations of my bedroom occupants, I have no one. The dancers are too busy already, and don't intend to spend their time with someone so filthy.

The few guys who still approach me only want one thing. The same thing. A place in my bed.

I turn them down, and I am alone.

On my five minute break I inhale half a pack. I'm about to go in when I stumble and scrape my knee on the asphalt.

His hand is cold when it touches me, even through my stockings, and yet his presence makes me warm.

"What is it about this alley that makes you come back so often?"

"It's my break."

"Why not be inside with your coworkers? Your friends?"

_Because I don't have any…_

"Oh come on, you gotta have someone?"

Shit, I said it out loud.

"Just you," I mumble.

Shit.

I look up at him, his wide eyes surprised. I regret my words instantly. Then the tears fall.

He stands up, mumbling an excuse and hurries off.

I scared him away.

And I'm all alone again.

* * *

><p>Last one today. It's midnight. Am I going to sleep? No. There's the Weekly Readalong on FFA on Facebook; <em>Control Freak <em>by _Vampiremama _aka Officer Spread 'em!


	10. My heart embraces him

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_My heart embraces him  
><em>

**-.-**

There are a lot of coffee shops in this city. Starbucks just went big, opening new shops every day. They're cheaper. Why does he keep coming here?

I know a little bit about this place. Not much. Just little. It's from the 50's, but that you can tell from the outdated décor. We sell good food, but by no means following the trends of low-carb diets and healthy dining. I don't eat it myself. Old habits die hard.

What do I know of Edward? He's in his mid thirties, but he could be younger than he looks; the worn expression on his face might be fooling me.

He's kind.

He's sweet.

He lends a hand when needed.

But he's also a stranger. I don't know him at all.

Yet, when I think about him now…my heart beats a little bit faster and I daydream. Old and gray, grandchildren running around us as we sit on a porch. Together in bed, him above me, moving slow and tenderly.

I've never been one to touch myself, but he spurs it on.

I'm over-thinking this. I'm making up scenarios that will never come true.

Yet I hope.

Because I've fallen.

And I need him to catch me before I break.

* * *

><p>Mornin'. Okay, so it's 1.40pm, but for me it's morning!<p> 


	11. I almost tell him

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_I almost tell him_

**-.-**

Spring is closing in on us. Some days it's so warm I have to change my uniform twice because of the sweat stains, other days the pouring rain leaves the diner so empty I feel like I'm pulling a double shift.

I dance more.

I'm happier.

Yet some days leave me more depressed than I've ever been. More than when I got kicked out of school.

It's pouring outside, the air humid, and the dusk is falling around us.

_Us. _

I sit opposite him, and because he mostly look at his hands, I _see _him. I _hear _him. I only wish I could _feel _him.

"That's why you used to carry that white plastic bag around?"

He looks at me once, then nods, somber.

I feel for him.

I had no idea that bag was his life. The graveness of the situation is haunting. I've been lucky to have work. He had nothing. I had been so close to the same situation. I can't imagine a life on the streets.

_He lived there through the winter!_

I open my mouth to say something I shouldn't, but he looks at me. Once. Tired. I shut my mouth and look at my hands.

Now I feel _his _eyes on me. Then I see his hand, large and rough, covering mine.

* * *

><p>Doctor said this shit might make me dozy... I took two shots of 10ml and am on the verge of passing out. If I'm awake later, you'll get a third update of the day. Much love to all you amazing readers; I have never had so many reviews. *swoon*<p> 


	12. I feel him, then he's gone

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_I _feel _him, then he's gone_

**-.-**

Startled, I snap my head up. His eyes say something I can't decipher.

Deep.

Swimming.

He leans, I follow. The moment is so charged, the electricity pulsing through me.

Yes.

Yes.

_Yes._

My eyes are open, his are closed.

He tastes like sweet cherries and smell like fresh mountain air.

His tongue is hesitant, but testing, feeling, then meeting mine.

Our torsos over the table, looking like a bad romance movie ending.

Ending.

Things always end.

Closing my eyes for a split second, releasing a sound so pure and content, cold air suddenly hits me.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'll-... Bye."


	13. Dancing in a lonely room

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_Dancing in a lonely room_

**-.-**

I stare at the bar. I have music playing in the background. It fills my lonely one-room apartment. It's twice the size of the room I shared with Rosa-Lee at the Academy, and yet it feels smaller.

She too, has abandoned me. But her I can understand. After me, she had been second best.

Now she's the best.

It taunts me. The pale brown wood is my downfall and my savior. I touch it. I feel. I hold it tight.

Plié.

Arabesque.

Ballon.

I turn, arms arching, twirling and flowing next to the bar. It's my center. My helper. My right hand.

Hours later, I stand in plié, concentrated and furrowed.

I ruined it.

The lines are broken.

There's no solace.


	14. He walks me home

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_He walks me home_

**-.-**

I've been nothing but polite to him, even smiled. But it's straight. Not lopsided.

He comments, I brush it off.

"I'm sorry, but I'm closing up here."

I've let him stay fifteen minutes longer than I should have.

"I've never asked…do you have a ride home?"

"I walk."

"Mind if I walk with you? You're heading my direction anyways."

"You don't even know where I live."

He smiles, eyes twinkling. I can't tell him no, even though I desperately wish I could.

I live twenty blocks from the diner. It takes a while to get there, often I'm hasty and scared passing lurking pedestrians. Right now I'm not.

"You've got guts."

"I don't really have any other option."

The look he gives me is one I wish I could wipe away. _Pity. _I don't want it. Especially not from him.

"Don't. Don't feel sorry for me. Not you."

"Let me. Let me try," he whispers, and he's so close. Too close.

This time I'm the one who runs, slamming the door shut behind me.

From my window, I see him walking back the same way we came.


	15. He lets me fall

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's World**

**-.-**

_He lets me fall_

**-.-**

I ask Lauren to switch tables with me. She doesn't question why when I look at her pleadingly. She just pats my shoulder and gives me a knowing look. "He's too old for you anyways."

He's not. Ten years maybe. Does it really matter all that much?

Over time he's settled for two places; the third high-chair from the left by the counter, and a window-table fifth from the door.

He's by the window today. I see him. He's frantically looking around the room after Lauren brings him his coffee. He doesn't even touch it.

I try to avoid his eyes, but I turn the wrong way at the wrong time, and I fall in his line of sight.

The questions in his face make me halt. The sadness in his eyes breaks me.

I rush to the alley, heaving, half an order on my note pad.

It hurts so much.

it hurts to breathe.

It hurts to see him. To be so close knowing I'm too far away to fully reach him.

I'm lying broken on the ground, staring up at the sky, seeing his face in the stars. He let me fall. And now it hurts too much to move.


	16. Show me where you live

**I remember moments, not days****  
><strong>**by****  
><strong>**Jay's World**

**-.-**

_Show me where you live_

**-.-**

I splash water in my face. Dry it off. The mirror reflects someone I hardly recognize.

Lauren pulls on my arm hard, seething, "Where the hell did you go? I had to cover your tables!"

For an old broad, she's mighty testy.

"Outside. I'm sorry. I'll take your morning shift on Friday if you want."

Compromises. I lift her burdens, and she doesn't tell. Together, we always make it work.

He doesn't leave though. He sits there, for hours, always ordering a new cup.

Twice he goes to the restroom.

Twice he comes back and nervously scans the room for me.

If I wasn't so conflicted, I'd find it adorable.

As my shift comes to an end, I shake my head and will, and walk over to him.

The hope in his eyes is my breaking point.

"We have to talk. There's just…too much. We need to talk."

"Of course, Isabel. Where?"

He's so kind and smiling. But he has skeletons in his closet. So do I.

"Show me where you live."

And his smile falls, replaced with hesitancy.


	17. We're no match for society

**I remember moments, not days****  
><strong>**by****  
><strong>**Jay's World**

**-.-**

_We're no match for society_

**-.-**

I don't need more than I have. But I want more. I want so much more. I want my place at the Academy, a spot on the company, and fame. I want to be Anna Pavlova. I want to go down in history, never to be forgotten.

But those are things I don't have. I'm forgettable. Not even my family remembers me now. Then don't know me. Disowned me.

_If you go, don't ever bother coming back. _

Our situations are somewhat the same.

Still, so very different.

His house is much bigger than my apartment. Built for more people. It used to be filled. Now there's just him. The loneliness must be…maddening.

No wonder he lived on the streets for so long.

"It won't work. You know that. We both know that."

"Why?"

"Why? Age, social status, backgrounds. You know why. If your wife could see you now, what would she say?"

He scowls. "Don't talk about her."

"Exactly."

"But I want you."

The biggest lie.

"Maybe I don't want you."


	18. We argue too much

**I remember moments, not days****  
><strong>**by****  
><strong>**Jay's World**

**-.-**

_We argue too much_

**-.-**

"Your eyes say otherwise."

"My face is a lie. My life is a lie."

"You don't have to pretend with me."

"But I do. I'd have to pretend it's okay. That the stares won't bother me. That it's normal."

"No one's normal! Why can't you just be with me?"

"Because you didn't even care. I loved you from the start and you didn't even see me."

"You love me?"

"Past tense. Pay attention."

"Why do you have to be so difficult?"

"Because you complicate my life."

"It doesn't have to be this way."

I sigh. He does too. We're so synchronized and mismatched it scares me.

I need to breathe.

But I can't. His lips on mine are scorching me. Hot. Temperamental.

Soothing.

* * *

><p>Thank you SO much for all the reviews...we hit a 100 you guys! So much love to all of you!<p>

As a 'thank you' of sorts, I'm going to answer one question. _Will there be an Edward point of view? _Yes. Yes there will be. So you should stick around to read it ;-)

xx Jay


	19. He sees me dance

**I remember moments, not days****  
><strong>**by****  
><strong>**Jay's World**

**-.-**

_He __sees me dance_

**-.-**

Though I wish I was strong enough, Edward is the one to break away first.

Two inches.

His breath on my face. Hard. Labored. Sweet.

"Don't deny me this. Don't deny me this little speck of happiness. I can't handle more sorrow."

And I can't. He owns me. Every part of me. But he doesn't understand how serious that is. How deep it cuts.

"Let me see you move."

He moves me.

His floor is wrong and hard, but I move none the less.

My lines are perfect. They're healed, in his presence.

He smiles, making me straighter, lighter, and happier.

His hands on my hips. No need to tilt. We're almost the same height.

Fingertips trailing. "You're thin."

"I'm a ballerina."

I'm strong and full of muscles.

Around him, I have weak knees.


	20. One night

**I remember moments, not days****  
><strong>**by****  
><strong>**Jay's World**

**-.-**

_One night_

**-.-**

He says I'm graceful when I move, but I have never before seen someone so beautiful in their movements.

His back.

His arms.

His hips.

In.

Out.

Swirl.

Deep.

Slow.

Deliberate.

And his face. Screwed up in furrows and smiles and _oh. _

He's not afraid to ask, to feel his way there, to make me feel good.

I don't have to lie to him. Not here. Not between white cotton sheets.

"Isabel!"

"_Edward!_"

* * *

><p>It's late, I'm wet (from the thunderstorm, pervs!) and feeling lonely. How to make up for it? Writing drabble-lemons... Any good?<p> 


	21. Dimming afterglow

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-  
><strong>_Dimming afterglow_**  
>-.-<strong>

I'm sitting against the head board. A smoke between my fingers. Long. It's the classic kind.

He's lying on his side, trailing his fingers over my naked legs. Up. Down. Soft.

Not teasing, just feeling.

Feeling good.

"You shouldn't smoke. It can kill you."

"It's no more dangerous than driving."

I freeze, horrified by my words. _I did not just say that. _

"Edward, I-"

"Don't. Just…don't. Don't say anything else."

I lay down again, peppering his sad face with little kisses.

He falls asleep with his arms around me, mine around him.

All through the night he's restless, and I don't sleep at all.

It's a terrifying thought.

_I'm sleeping in his wife's bed. _


	22. I cheated

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_I cheated_**  
>-.-<strong>

The Academy has no tolerance for cheating. I knew that. I tried to work around that.

Hindsight is 20/20.

Now I know…I should have acted differently.

I was too cocky, too full of myself. But it was survival 101 for ballerinas.

I saw The Nutcracker last week. Student performance. Yet in the crowd I recognized high-end faces. Important names.

Rosa-Lee did a step wrong. I wouldn't have. It's what makes me better than her; I am more graceful. She works hard, but I am a natural. Ballet is my sixth sense.

But the other academics is not. I suck. Sucked. So I tried to work around the system.

The system caught me. No tolerance. I got kicked out.

I couldn't go home…I had no home. Norway was nothing but a memory.

My home now…

…is in the arms of the man in front of me; pulling his hair and crying.


	23. Quiet time on the bar

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Quiet time on the bar_**  
>-.-<strong>

"Maybe I should go."

"Okay."

His voice is detached.

I feel dejected.

At my apartment, I stretch and bend and pull.

Pull joints. Muscles.

Bend the truth in my heart and stretch the reality of my life. Trying to make it better than it is, but I can't.

Truth: the man I love is unable to say it back.

Reality: the man I love used to love someone else.

I've seen pictures. His walls are filled with them. Beautiful green eyes. Caramel hair.

I feel filthy, all of the sudden, like I've defiled him. Their house. Their bed.

I end up somewhere I've never been before, nursing a pretty drink that tastes so sweet. The room spins, and I'm floating.

It's dark when I wake up. But I still know it's him standing over me.


	24. Where was I last night?

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Where was I last night?_**  
>-.-<strong>

"None of your business."

"Don't be such a petulant child."

"But I _am _a child. I barely got past the bouncer tonight!"

"Why were you even there?"

"Because you and I won't work. We can't. You couldn't even look me in the eye."

"I'm sorry."

"So am I… How did I get home?"

"The bouncer is a regular at your diner, and he's also an old friend. He's seen us. He called me."

"Oh. Thank you."

"Don't mention it. Just don't do it again. For me."

"No. I can't do anything for you. I can't be with you. Please, just leave."

"Why?"

"_Because you don't love me."_

He doesn't say anything. It confirms my deepest fear, and I throw him out.

* * *

><p>Hey guys, again, thank you for all the amazing reviews and the good amount of pimping out there ;-)<p>

Just telling you I'm scetchy about updating tomorrow...got something goin on. Maybe won't be anything Friday. *sigh* I can double update then if ya want...just tell me! :D

xx Jay


	25. He loves me not

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_He loves me not_**  
>-.-<strong>

The first boy I kissed was Asbjørn. I was four and he was three. It was a peck on the cheek to symbolize our relationship.

We broke up the next day. I can't remember why.

The second was Even. Seventh grade. We held hands and stole looks. Then I shot up to the roof like Jack's magic beens.

He broke up with me almost immediately.

Boys didn't look at me after that. I was taller than them. Awkward. Thin. I didn't have breasts like the other girls. I was abnormal.

The third boy I kissed was my teacher. He was thirty, a ballet instructor, and gay. I kissed him on the cheek over and over again as a thank you when he bought me my first ballet shoes. I was thirteen.

Up until I was nineteen, I didn't even think about boys. My world was ballet. Nothing else mattered.

When I got to New York on the scholarship, the other Norwegians bought booze and got drunk. One time.

I lost my virginity to a boy with a mono-brow. I haven't seen him again

I've never loved anyone before. No one has ever loved me. Now I love someone. And he doesn't love me back.

It leaves me more hollow than when I didn't love at all.

* * *

><p>Now, to drown my sorrows in a bottle of Morgan... Happy thoughts!<p> 


	26. He's ruined me

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_He__'s ruined me_**  
>-.-<strong>

It's true. He has.

Before, I could see men. I could see if they were handsome, or beautiful, or even just attractive.

Now all I see is faces. Identical. No one holds a candle to him.

Copper hair. Bump on the nose. A few freckles across the bridge. Angular jaw. Stubbles. I liked those. Like. I don't know. I miss it.

He hasn't come back. I still snap my head around when I hear the door bell ring.

At my apartment, I often sit by the window and watch the people who walk on the street, hoping he'll come by.

He hasn't.

And I cry. So much. All the time. On my smoke breaks, hoping he'll find me in the alley again.

He doesn't.

And I'm angry a lot. I lash out on customers. A construction worker who feels me up is the last straw.

I lose my job.

I haven't bothered to look for a new one yet.

I may not.

And then I'll really lose it all.

* * *

><p>Internet might be unattainable until SundayMonday. Going to New York...I'll try to keep the updates coming as much as I can! In the meanwhile, you should all go over to bornonhalloween's profile and read _Once Upon a Desire _which has reached 93! chapters. Amazing. Capturing. You should all read it, review it, because there's no doubt you'll love it ;-)

xx Jay


	27. Rock bottom catches my fall

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Rock bottom catches my fall_**  
>-.-<strong>

"I'll give you an extra week. But honey, I can't put it off any longer. You'll have to move out if you don't pay."

My landlord is a sweet old lady. She's just doing her job. Her pity is rooted in the old country. Her mother immigrated here when she was two months old.

I helped her with her groceries _once _and I learned her entire life story.

She married at the age of eighteen.

It was the love of her life.

He left her when they found out she couldn't have kids.

Ever since, she's lived in this apartment building.

Alone.

I live here...alone.

One last night, I dance by the bar, with Bach as my only audience. He doesn't applaud. The cassette just ends, and there's silence.

Then my sobs break the silence, my tears tracking my cheeks. Choking. Needing air.

All empty inside. Completely hollow.

And there's no one to pick me up from the floor but myself. So I grasp the bar and pull myself up.

I will not fall. Not again. For the rest of my life, I will live with the hollow.


	28. Moving along, not on

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Moving along, not on_**  
>-.-<strong>

It's winter again. I'm working at a ballet studio, teaching dance to less fortunate kids in Brooklyn.

My boss is Russian, and used to be a ballerina when she was younger. She's fifty now, married, and trying to give her life meaning.

The meaning of my life is still uncertain, but I think I'm on the right track.

"Isa, Isa, look at me!"

Gracie shouts, waving, standing on her tippy-toes in a horrible plié. She's one of our worst dancers, but the most enthusiastic.

"That's great, Gracie. Now arch your back."

I smile a lot. It's lopsided. I love my kids. They're pure and innocent, not tainted by the cruel world yet, despite where they live.

My days are filled, every day, nine to five. My nights are still lonely, though. I can't get him out of my head. I fear I never will.

My heart is not the same. It's heavy, weighing me down. Tired and worn.

Dreams, hopes, fantasies, they still revolve around him.

Always him.

My Edward.

The man I love who can't love me back.

* * *

><p>Sorry for the lateness :- Caught up in NYC. Love you all!


	29. I see him on the street

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_I see him on the street _**  
>-.-<strong>

I'm wearing my coat, hiding my face from the cold.

It's freezing. New York's coldest night in ten years.

I'm walking home from Brooklyn, not trusting the subway at night. Though the streets aren't that much safer, but hey, I like walking.

He's holding a pink box, like the ones you see in bakeries.

I halt, gaping almost. I haven't seen him in over half a year, and there he is, holding a pink box, walking down the sidewalk.

The situation seems so surreal to me.

Then I realize where I am. I tried taking a detour, getting home faster, and I've ended up on his street. Just a few yards from his house.

I stand completely still.

He doesn't see me.

He goes inside, pink box in hand.

A flash of memory shows him in the diner, holding the white plastic bag.

It feels like a lifetime ago.

And yet he looks exactly the same.


	30. Widower

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Widower_**  
>-.-<strong>

We'd been married for five years. She just got pregnant. She was driving home from the doctor's to tell me when she got hit by a trailer.

She died in the ambulance.

Carmen was the love of my life. My soul mate. My one and only.

"_What if she could see you now."_

I wonder that a lot. If she'd been alive, I wouldn't have noticed Isabel at all. I really didn't have eyes for anyone else. But she died, a year passed, the grief drove me insane. I quit showing up for work, working the bottle instead.

Our house, the one we bought together, was taken by the bank.

For months, I lived in shelters, with my petty belongings of a change of clothes in a white plastic bag.

I stole…once. A man dropped his wallet and I picked it up, took the cash he had left, and took off.

I went to a diner.

It's where I saw her for the first time. At first she was just a girl… Then I came back, loving their coffee and food, and she became a friendly face. So cute. Young. But something was hiding beneath those brown eyes and pink lips.

I didn't shape up for her.

I did it for myself, and for Carmen, and our child.

I did it because my friends tracked me down and made me.

Because I was so good at banking, I got my job back. The house was mine again in mere months.

Because my wife's sister told me it was okay to move on, I tried.

Because I went back to the diner, I started to like her.

Because I was too afraid, I let her go.


	31. Widower Π

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Widower _Π_**  
><strong>_**  
>-.-<strong>

I do love her. There's no denying it.

I saw her in that bar, passed out and vulnerable, guys lurking around her.

She doesn't know, but I hit a guy that night. Made a lewd comment. Made me so mad. She didn't deserve to be called a slut.

But all she wanted to hear that night was my silence.

I was hesitant, scared, afraid what it would mean if I said it back. 'Cause I did love her, still do, but I didn't know if it was right.

I doubted myself at the wrong time, in the wrong place.

She kicked me out, yelled that she hated me, that she never wanted to see me again.

Her tears were like a curse all in their own.

So I've respected her wishes, although I've wanted to go back to her so many times.

It's late now. I'm late. My sister-in-law is coming over to talk, catching up like we do every now and then, and I rush home; picking up some cupcakes on the way.

I get inside…and something feels off. Nothing is wrong. Just off.

Like there's something I should know, but don't.

It doesn't go away.


	32. Destiny in a bottle

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Destiny in a bottle_**  
>-.-<strong>

_"Dancing for Dreams"_ is five years old tonight. My boss and I are out for a small drink.

I don't like this bar. Though I don't remember much from that night, I can still feel it. I was here. He was here. Together.

I have one beer. Nothing more. I don't trust myself with alcohol anymore.

"Something on your mind there, _dorogaya?" _

"Hm? Oh nothing, Irina. I'm just tired."

"You can't lie for shit". Always straight-forward and crude. "You've been gloomy since I met you. Find the guy who did you wrong and make it right."

_I wish I could. _

_I wish I can. _

_I wish I have the guts. _

Then I see him. The November wind is blowing hard outside. He's talking to the bouncer…must be his friend.

His face is mostly covered, but I recognize that mess of copper hair anywhere.

I chug down the rest of my drink.

Swallow thickly.

Get to my feet.

And walk towards the door.


	33. Hey

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Hey_**  
>-.-<strong>

My teeth clatter instantly.

I don't have my coat on.

Jeans and a top don't really warm you in the cold.

At first I don't do anything. I stand there in the cold, looking over at him. His back to me. The bouncer sees me.

My rushed plan to seem casual, take out a smoke, and just happen to see him, goes down the drain the second the bouncer waves me over and Edward turns.

We just at each other, eyes full of emotions and unspoken words.

"Hey."

"Hey."


	34. Reach out

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Reach out_**  
>-.-<strong>

"How've you been?"

"Miserable."

"Me too."

The bouncer looks uncomfortable. Without a word, he slips back to the door.

Edward's eyes drift, taking me in. Head to toe. "I…You look good."

I bite my lip. "You too."

It's true. He looks better, so much happier then he ever was with me.

Yet I've been miserable without him.

"We should talk…catch up."

"Coffee?"


	35. Steam

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Steam_**  
>-.-<strong>

We talk further, then suddenly the conversation changes course and takes us back to the night we were both here.

"You practically threw me out that night. Can you really blame me for wanting to drown my sorrows?"

My accusation leaves the air around us heavy and uncomfortable, but it needs to come out.

"I was still in a bad spot. I didn't know if I deserved to move on yet. If it was right. I loved her more than anything, and then you made me doubt it."

"I never wanted you to love me more than her, but differently. I just wanted you to feel the same as me."

"I did...do…and it terrified me."


	36. His confession

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_His confession_**  
>-.-<strong>

I gasp. "You mean…are you saying...?"

He smiles, a small smile so sincere and truthful. "Yes. I was just afraid. You turned my life upside down. So much, so fast. I didn't know what to do with myself."

It's what I've wanted to hear for the better part of a year, and suddenly I don't know how to react.

"But yes, I do."

"Then why didn't you come after me?"

"You said you hated me. You wanted me gone. Though I should have ignored that, I told myself it was best if I let you be."

I grimace at my past self and her idiocy. Her cruel words. Her screams. Her pain.

"Do you still feel the same?"

Eyes locked, waiting for a response.

I open my mouth…


	37. When I say nothing at all

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_When I say nothing at all_**  
>-.-<strong>

"Too soon?"

I nod.

_I do. I do. I still feel the same!_

But I can't make myself say it. What future can we have? Uncertainty is still etched in my soul since last time.

What if he changes his mind, decides I'm not good enough?

What if his family doesn't approve, and he takes their side?

What if my idea of life with him is just that, an idea, and we don't fit at all?

His eyes watch me.

I avoid his.

Suddenly, I wonder if I should have just let him be, and moved on.

* * *

><p>I should mention; thank you for everyone who keeps reading and reviewing. We hit 200 with the always encouraging words of Billi! (heart)<br>Also, there's questions about length... I'm thinking around 50 chapters total - I'm not done with the ending yet. HEA or HF? What do you want and why?


	38. Infesting my dreams

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Infesting my dreams_**  
>-.-<strong>

We part with an awkward hug and promises to talk more.

It's late, I'm tired, and I'm asleep before my head meets the pillow

_Mountain tops, snow falling, arms stretched__, eyes scouting the valley. _

_People in the distance, family, loved ones. Their calling: 'You are nothing! You will be nothing!'_

_Ratty tutu, filthy shoes, __disheveled being and soul. At the top of the mountain, alone. _

_An angel from above, his smile and his kindness. Black wings, come to harm me. _

'_I love you, I love you not.' His voice; an angel choir and a demon's call. _

_I scream, it echoes against the mountain, a hoard of eagles circling me, soaring. _

_They attack, open beaks with torture as their song. _

_Black wings around me. I stare up at his face, emerald green eyes; my sun. _


	39. Fear is just courage waiting to emerge

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Fear is just courage waiting to emerge_**  
>-.-<strong>

Sweat has drenched my sheets. Hair sticks to my forehead. I'm breathing hard, barely inhaling before exhaling.

His name is clogged in my throat, wanting to escape.

Initial fear and dizziness passes, leaving me to stare into the darkness. Blinded, but seeing.

I remember nothing from my sleep, yet I can feel something brewing beneath the surface. A dangerous feeling.

_Loneliness. _

Scurrying around the room, I bump my knee and stub my toe, and then it's in my hand.

The number memorized.

Dial tone.

"_Mmm'__lo?"_

"It's me…can you come over?"


	40. Listen

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Listen_**  
>-.-<strong>

"The first time I saw you I fell for your good looks…

…After that I grew more attached with each encounter; you captivated me…

…I knew I should have moved on when you didn't come back, but when you left you took a piece of me with you…

…When you came back; every time you came back, you made me whole. Our first kiss built me up and broke me down at the same time…

…I loved you before you even knew me; before I knew you…

…Yes, I do love you. I always have and probably always will. But what if it's not enough…

…What if you and I aren't meant to be more than just a passing…

…My biggest fear is that you'll stay now, but leave later and abandon me like everyone else…

…I'm afraid that if you don't love me like I love you, I won't survive."


	41. Her voice

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Her voice_**  
>-.-<strong>

At the sound of her voice, I'm completely alert, and then heartbroken.

With her soul revealed, her inner thoughts and fears open for me to see, I hear more than I ever thought possible.

Perched on her small makeshift couch slash bed, I listen intently.

So long.

She loved me for so long, so certain…and yet I doubted.

I'm an ass.

I fucked up.

But I'm here…now.

She's here…now.

And I'm never leaving her side again.


	42. What about your wife?

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's world**

**-.-**

_What about your wife?_**  
>-.-<strong>

"I have to confess, the other day I saw you. I unintentionally walked down your street."

She looks nervous.

"And I saw you… walking home…with that pink box. And I have to ask; was it for sharing?"

Her bottom lip trembles. Scarred little girl. I want to hold her and make the pain go away.

Then I realize her thoughts.

"Yes, it was for sharing. But now what you think. It was my sister-in-law."

Yet her face doesn't lift at the revelation.

"What's wrong?"

Big brown eyes stare up at me, so tired and worn with time.

"Are you over her? Your wife?"


	43. Still water

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Still water _  
><strong>-.-<strong>

His eyes move over mine, glistening, dew on green grass in a garden of love.

"I'll never be _over_ her; what we had was eternal. But I've put it past me, ready to move _on_ with _you_."

Crinkles around the edges of his eyes.

Old, full of wisdom, despite the fact that he is still so young.

And loving.

And _here. _

With _me. _

"And there's nowhere else I'd rather be for the rest of my life. I love you. _You. _And no one can make me doubt that."

* * *

><p>watch?v=dDaikC2Lf9w - talk about fitting my mood for this entire story. Slow, soft, Ballerina. We're closing in on the big five-oh, guys! :D


	44. My heart, your heart

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's world**

**-.-**

_My heart, your heart_  
><strong>-.-<strong>

Here where it all ended, our _relationship _rekindles.

His arms around me, embracing, protecting, loving.

My lips find his neck, my tear stained cheeks dry, a smile playing on my lips.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think?"

"You don't think it's too soon? Order..."

"Screw order; we didn't go any of this right anyways. That's why the heart is on the left side, so it can't always be right."

He laughs, melodic and carefree and young. My Edward. My love.

"I do love you. I didn't tell you that. I never stopped, even when I tried."

"And my heart beats only for you, and that is as right as it gets."

* * *

><p><em>the heart is on the left side, so it can't always be right/ _(or similar) belongs to someone on Facebook, for which I issued people to find out whom. To whomever said this, thank you - it inspired me further.


	45. Dance with me

**I remember moments, not days****  
><strong>**by****  
><strong>**Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Dance with me_**  
><strong>**-.-**

He asks for my hand - charmer.

He takes me in his arms and dances slowly to music that isn't there.

Humm-hum-hum-hummm.

His chest vibrates against me as I rest my head on his shoulder.

Imperfect, we sway in my tiny apartment, the rest of the world forgotten.

Outside these windows pulses a city that refuses to sleep in these midnight hours. As do we, but we are alone.

Content to live as we are as long as we can.

An unbalanced dip goes wrong, landing us on the floor, laughing and snorting and then kissing.

Cheeks, nose, forehead, jaw, lips.

Legs tangled up in our own special dance, we lose ourselves to the beat of our bodies.

* * *

><p>This is an extremly sucky day for me, so I'm gonna update twice today ;-) Lucky you that I locked myself out of work! Love the reviews - they make me smile!<p> 


	46. With the dawn

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>Jay's world**

**-.-**

_With the dawn_  
><strong>-.-<strong>

Waking up has never been this pleasant. A fleeting feeling of fear passes through me, scared that this morning will be a repeat of last time.

But he's remained, unmoved, his sleeping form impeccable with the teeniest smile in the corner of his mouth.

God he is beautiful.

And mine.

Mine, mine, mine.

Through the blinds of my window shines the sun, blinding me as it settles on my face. Sitting up.

Moving out of his arms stealthily, I step soundlessly to the bathroom.

"I thought you'd left," he says somberly when I return.

"We need to rid ourselves with these damn insecurities...these doubts. I will stay, and so will you. Always keep that in mind."

"My love," he breathes, and captures my heart yet again.

Relieved, we settle back into each other's arms, watching the sun rise.


	47. Time

**I remember moments, not days****  
><strong>**by****  
><strong>**Jay's world**

**-.-**

_ Time_

**-.-**

Time is fleeting, but it's the present and the future, and it moves us along like waves.

Mondays come, then Tuesdays, and you find yourself moving along to the beat of the days, lost in years.

We move all day, he and I, but we are not fleeting.

We float on a cloud that's lazed with white and black and grey, creating days of joy and sadness - but always together.

Fights, name-calling, tears, embraces, we endure the bad days so that we may enjoy the good.

And time moves with us, slowing down and speeding up at the right places.

Our wedding night, the longest and happiest night of my life, next to the time we came to be once more.

The stick. The line. Nine months passing like it's nothing and then ending in three days of pure and slow torture.

Oh yes, time passes, but as we see seasons change and people grow, one thing stays the same.

"I love you."


	48. No, you

**I remember moments, not days****  
><strong>**by****  
><strong>**Jay's world**

**-.-**

_ No, you_

**-.-**

"Remember our first kiss, when you kissed me?"

"No, I think it was you."

"It's a long time ago, you know."

"Oh come on old man, you remember it like it was yesterday. Don't deny it."

"I like it when you're feisty."

"Oh stop it, you."

"No, you!"

"Oh for the love of - _both of you stop it!_"

And we dissolve into a fit of laughter, an erratic teenager stomping out the room and slamming doors.

* * *

><p>Thursday is the last day! It's only the beginning of the week, yet I wish I could turn back time and make this last forever... Some cheese for a lovely Rose ;-)<p> 


	49. Our life

**I remember moments, not days****  
><strong>**by****  
><strong>**Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Our life_

**-.-**

"It was you who kissed me though. Though I liked you so much, I didn't have the guts to make the first move."

"No you did...you just hid it so well under those layers of insecurities. Then again, so did I. Oh how we played with our hearts."

Strung them along and left them lonely in dead-end streets, running along dark ways to empty bus-stops and lonely rooms.

I still dance - _Dancing for Dreams _has opened a new center in Queens now. Irina manages it while I stay put in Brooklyn.

And he loves his job, going to the bank every day and returning with the same smile he left with.

It's aweing how we are blessed.

And a child - now grown. Just yesterday I was singing lullabies and keeping the lights on. Now it's fast track of the twenty first century.

I may not always keep up, but when I find myself lost I move to a time where heartache ruled and a true love emerged from the darkness.

But I don't dwell. Though things could have been done differently, I wouldn't change a thing, for it has gotten me here.

And this is a life I wouldn't trade for the world.


	50. Moments

**I remember moments, not days****  
><strong>**by****  
><strong>**Jay's world**

**-.-**

_Moments_  
><strong>-.-<strong>

I remember a lot of dark days.

Full of anxiety and sadness and heartache.

But there were also happy days.

Moments, more like it.

Like dancing, laughter, smiles, and chocolate muffins.

And then I remember one glorious night. A few hours in pure bliss.

But then there's a black hole.

Depressing. Drinking. Sloppy dancing.

But the highlights are what shine through the haze; the love, the smiles, the kisses.

A reunion, confessions, and our own special dance on the floor.

Now I wonder, looking down at our joined hands and matching bands to the white gown of a new daughter – will this be a moment I'll remember forever?

~Fin~


	51. Afterthought  an author

**I remember moments, not days  
>by<br>****Jay's World**

**-.-**

_Afterthought – an author's note_

**-.-**

I guess you can ignore this if you want, but I just wanted to take the time to thank everyone  
>who's sat down and followed this story, whether you've been here from the beginning,<br>jumped on the train as it went, or have shown up after the stop but stepped on either way.  
><strong>Thank you<strong>, for every 'hit', every review, every kind word of correction and encouragement,  
>and for sharing… For taking the time to read about a broken girl and a broken man, who<br>together found a way to heal each other in the end.

And of course, thank you to _bornonhalloween_, whom in a review reply from her own drabble gave me  
>the idea to write drabbles to begin with…without you, I don't know if this would have become a reality.<p>

5/31/11 _to_ 7/21/11  
>It's been two months, fifty chapters, and a whole lot of love through the angst and heartbreak.<br>God I love you guys!

So yeah, thank you for taking the time… I really do appreciate it : )

xx Jay


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